Why Do People Fake Orgasms?
Cloud Shadow With Red Diffusion Light During the Disturbance Period. (Midday) — Jena, April 24th 1884.
There are many reasons that people fake orgasms; even you may have done it once, a few, or many times! Faking orgasms is relatively common. Approximately 50% to 70% of cisgender women have faked an orgasm during sexual activity, including oral sex, having their genitals touched or rubbed, or during vaginal penetrative sex. (3) Alternatively, one study found that 25% of cisgender men had faked an orgasm at one point or another. (3)
A Few Reasons Why People Fake Orgasms
Not wanting to hurt their partner’s feelings: Between cisgender men and women, both were likely to pretend to have had an orgasm in order not to hurt their partner’s feelings, but women were more likely to cite this as a reason than men. (3) These people noted that they did not want their partner to experience feelings of “inadequacy” in the bedroom (3)
Wanting to seem “normal”: People can sometimes have the expectation that having an orgasm during sexual activities, particularly heterosexual intercourse, that orgasm should occur; otherwise, “you’re not normal.” This is untrue! You don't have to have an orgasm during sexual activity to have a good time or be normal. You want to meet the expectation that when you have sex, you need to come, so, in turn, some people fake orgasms under this pressure and expectations. (3)
Wanting to Feel Desirable: Some people share that faking an orgasm makes them feel as though they are sexier and more desirable to their partner, and it can increase the level of arousal for themselves and their partner. (3)
Bored, Uncomfortable, or Feeling Like it’s “Taking Too Long”: Sometimes, people fake an orgasm because they want the sex to end out of boredom, discomfort, or stress that if they do not pretend to have an orgasm, their partner will leave them. (3) In one study, 82% of cisgender men and 50% of cisgender women faked an orgasm when they perceived that they were taking “too long” to orgasm or if they felt that their partner was taking them too long to get them “there.” (3)
A Few Tips If You Want to Experience More Pleasure (and, Maybe, More Orgasms):
Below are a few research-based tips that could help enrich your sex life, make it more pleasurable, and decrease the feeling of needing to fake an orgasm. Please note, if something below doesn't work for you or you disagree, that’s okay; do what works for you and your unique circumstance(s)!
Practice communicating directly: If you’re with a partner that you feel safe and overall comfortable with, practice being more direct in how you communicate about sex and pleasure. Many people are scared to directly ask if their partner had an orgasm, hoping that the other will take the lead and share whether or not they did; it’s okay to ask if you want to know! (5)
Be honest about your sexual preferences: One study found that the reason that most people fake orgasms, across all genders, is unsatisfactory sexual experiences, such as their partner not knowing how to please them or awkwardness, but were unwilling or uncomfortable sharing that they did want sexually from their partner. (7) The catch-22 of this reason is that your partner will do more of what you don’t particularly care for because they think it gives you an orgasm! Note: If you have a partner with a vulva or if you are the vulva owner, feel free to ask your partner to give more focus on your clitoris in the ways that you want to be touched, for example, asking for oral sex, direct stimulation from their hands, or using a vibrator while you have sex.
Learn your sexual likes and dislikes: We can’t share with our sexual partners what we don’t know for ourselves. Explore your pleasure and understand what feels good, so-so, or unfavorable for yourself. Explore masturbating in different ways, experience various types of touch or sensations (such as lighter touches or firmer ones), or explore some of your fantasies. OMGYes can be a helpful resource.
Discuss with your partner that you orgasming or not sometimes has nothing to do with them: Many people, particularly cisgender women, reported that they faked an orgasm because they didn’t want their partner to feel “bad” or “inadequate” about their “performance.” (7) One of the reasons that cisgender men in heterosexual relationships can sometimes focus on “giving their partner an orgasm as an indicator of their sexual prowess and value are sexual scripts from society and culture. (6) You can talk to them or engage in couples or sex therapy to discuss that sex can be pleasurable without either of you achieving orgasm; sometimes, taking the pressure off of having an orgasm makes it more likely to happen!
Increase your emotional intimacy with your sexual partner: In one study, the participants reported that having an emotionally close relationship with their sexual partner, where they felt understood, cared for, and that their partner cared and wanted them to have sexual pleasure, increased the chance that they would experience an orgasm during sexual acts. (1, 2)
It would be impossible to list all of the complex reasons why a person would fake an orgasm and all the ways that sexual partners could increase their sexual pleasure in a blog post. This said I hope that this has provided some insight and some resources to help you have a sex life that feels more satisfying to you! Please let me know your thoughts; I’d love to hear from you.
References:
Armstrong, E. A., England, P., & Fogarty, A. C. K. (2012). Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships. American Sociological Review, 77(3), 435–462. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41723040
Fahs, B. (2014). Coming to power: women’s fake orgasms and best orgasm experiences illuminate the failures of (hetero)sex and the pleasures of connection. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 16(7/8), 974–988. http://www.jstor.org/stable/24741666
Muehlenhard, C., & Shippee, S. (2010). Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm. Journal of Sex Research, 47(6), 552–567. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490903171794
Rivas-Koehl, M., Dobson, K., & Ogolsky, B. G. (2023). Sex or Socialization? Replicating Heterosexual Couples’ Gender Differences in the Association between Orgasm and Satisfaction in Same-Gender/Sex Couples. Journal of Sex Research, 60(5), 624–633. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2144989
Salisbury, C. M. A., & Fisher, W. A. (2014). “Did You Come?” A Qualitative Exploration of Gender Differences in Beliefs, Experiences, and Concerns Regarding Female Orgasm Occurrence During Heterosexual Sexual Interactions. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(6), 616–631. http://www.jstor.org/stable/43701759
Séguin, L. J., & Blais, M. (2019). Pleasure is just the tip of the iceberg: Social representations, personal beliefs, and attributed meanings to partnered orgasm. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 28(3), 328–342. https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.2019-0027
Séguin, L. J., & Milhausen, R. R. (2016). Not all fakes are created equal: examining the relationships between men’s motives for pretending orgasm and levels of sexual desire, and relationship and sexual satisfaction. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 31(2), 159–175. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2016.1158803
